My vent for the day. And for the record, I’m usually a happy upbeat person, but here’s a pet peeve that seriously butters my biscuit or kneads my dough or however the hell the damn saying goes!
Vent: If I go into one more cafe or coffee shop to order a cup of coffee and see the barista fill up the cup and then put the lid on with their fingers all over the sip hole that I’m supposed to put my bare lips on …. I’m going to go crazy. I’m going to snap!
I mean it y’all. No more Ms.Nice Guy Girl. Next time I see this horridly disgusting display take place, I’m jumping behind the counter – and when I say ‘jumping‘ I really mean it. I plan to take several steps back for a good start before running hella fast like I’m in a track meet and about to jump a big ass hurdle. I’ll have the instruction book with me that I just now wrote right after I drank my lid-less coffee (because I had to throw away the lid that had bacteria molecules and barista-finger-germs on it). You can see the entirety of instruction book below in the photo (you may have to zoom in to see it larger, or look below the photo of book to read the text).
I will tackle the barista, shove this book all up in their face, and then re-pour my own god damn drink and put a barista-fingerless-touched lid on it before hopping back over the counter and going on about my business. Shit.
I realize the text in my very important book might be too small to see in the photo above. So just in case, here is the text for easy reading:
Page 1: A FORWARD BEFORE THE INSTRUCTIONS: DON’T PUT YOUR HAND AND FINGERS ON THE SIP HOLE OF THE LID OF MY COFFEE. I HAVE TO PUT MY LIPS ON THAT. YOU JUST TOOK MY MONEY WITH YOUR BARE HANDS AND ALSO THE LAST 10 CUSTOMER’S MONEY WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. YOU’VE WIPED YOUR EYE A FEW TIMES. YOU PICKED UP A DIRTY RAG AND WIPED THE SPILL OFF THE DIRTY COUNTER. YOU RAN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR. YOU SCRATCHED YOUR UNDERARM. YOU COVERED YOUR MOUTH WITH YOUR HAND WHEN YOU COUGHED. YOU DUG IN YOUR EAR. YOU PULLED OUT YOUR DAMP RUNNY-NOSE-TISSUE AND WIPED YOUR NOSE. AND IF YOU DIDN’T DO ANY OF THAT, I CAN GUARANTEE THAT SOME OF THE 10 CUSTOMERS BEFORE ME HAVE DONE SOME OF THESE THINGS BEFORE HANDING YOU THEIR MONEY. YOUR FINGERS AND HANDS ARE TOTALLY FILLED WITH MOTHA FU**KEN GERMS AND YOU KNOW IT. DO NOT. I REPEAT. DO NOT… PUT YOUR FINGERS ALL OVER THE LID WITH NO CARE IN THE WORLD ABOUT PUTTING THEM DIRECTLY ON MY SIP HOLE. WHAT THE FU**CK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Page 2: OVERLY SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS: WHEN PUTTING LID ON COFFEE CUP BEFORE HANDING TO CUSTOMER, SIMPLY PLACE YOUR HAND AROUND LID AND SINCE YOU HAVE TWO EYES AND CAN SEE OUT OF THEM JUST FINE, TAKE A LOOK AND MAKE SURE YOUR FINGERS AND PALM OF HAND STAY CLEAR OF THE MOTHA FU**CKEN SIP HOLE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE CUSTOMER HAS TO PUT THEIR MOUTH ON THAT SPECIFIC PART OF THE LID. DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted 11/28/2018
PAPAYA DARLING 
Hilarious!! I’ve never thought about that. Buying a cup of coffee is forever changed for me now.
However, as your AUNTIE, I have a small suggestion: your profile should read “mother/wife/daughter/NIECE/ sister/friend.” And yes, “NIECE” should be capitalized so that everyone knows how important I am in your life, and to make up for its not being listed before “mother,” which, of course, it should be, but I’ll let that go — for now. Love you.
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